Me and the Vermin: An Update
Yuck yuck yuck and a big, huge double yuck.
My life totally sucks.
Two nights ago, I was on the phone, when out of the corner of my eye, I saw a big ugly bug whip across the floor, all four cats in hot pursuit. I followed the cats, checked out the bug. Looked like a scorpion. I screamed, threw down the phone, went to find a shoe, a book. Anything that would kill the big, ugly, incredibly fast bug.
Found my crocs. (Don’t even get me started on how I managed to end up with a pair of bright pink, Minnie Mouse crocs) Took a better look at the bug racing across my floor – did I mention exactly how fast this thing was? Realized, it wasn’t a scorpion but a wind spider. I smashed it with my bright pink Minnie Mouse crocs. Again and again and again.
Stopped screaming. Got back on the phone. At least, it wasn’t a scorpion. At least, it wasn’t poisonous. Figured the cats could kill the next one. Until…
I got off the phone, went into the kitchen for a soda. There was another friggin’ wind spider racing across the floor. Grabbed the first thing I found – a water bottle. Smashed the thing. Water bottle broke. The spider raced away. The cats came running. Grabbed a piece of the bottle and smashed it again. Killed the head, the body kept twitching.
What in the hell did I ever do to deserve a twitching, dying wind spider? And I’m sorry, Mr. Arachnid, I’m sure you’re just a swell, little bug, but you scare the shit out of me. Still, I couldn’t just leave the thing twitching, so I went for those bright pink crocs, killed the spider dead.
Sigh.
It gets worse.
This morning I got up a little after 7 – kind of late for me – let the dogs out. The cats came running, wrapped themselves around my legs. So together we walked – hobbled actually – across the living room floor to the kitchen. Didn’t have my glasses on. Saw something on the floor. Thank God it was an unmoving something.
Still…
They're Baaaccckkk!
Together, the 3 cats and I went to check it out. A centipede! A great big, fat, disgusting dead centipede. All I
could think is it’s not fair. Not fair not fair not fair.
I didn’t do anything to deserve centipedes – dead or alive – in the house. Yuck.
And still it gets worse.
Headed down the hall to my office, saw – again on the floor – what appeared to be a clump of stuffing from the couch – as I’ve continually mentioned, I have really bad cats. And these really bad cats like to chew the underside of my couch and pull out the stuffing. (Anyone want to adopt these bad cats?)
I look closer at the “stuffing.” It is a dead, flat, dehydrated mouse.
I so wish you hadn't scared the hell out of me.
Sigh.
The only upside of this? How on earth could my day get any worse? (And please, God, I’m not taunting You. I’m not asking that You throw anything else my way. Thank You.)
