I don’t have time to put a picture up today. Just time to write.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately – dwelling a lot lately – on the subject of grief. Grief is different than sadness or depression. Grief is something else entirely.
When you least expect it – you could be watching some inane comedy on TV, laughing idiotically along with the laugh track – when all of a sudden it hits you. In the gut. What you’ve lost. What you’ll never get back.
And the thing is you don’t grieve just for what you’ve lost. You grieve for what you never had. You grieve for what you thought you’d have.
It’s complicated.
That’s actually on my Facebook page – under relationship status – It’s Complicated.
Just like grief.
So I was outside weeding, tidying the yard, watering. And it’s a beautiful day. Sunny. Warm. The dogs were outside with me. When, completely unwanted, images just kept hitting me. Again and again and again.
Images.
Dresses. Antiques. Mexican glassware. Saltillo tile. Moving. The U-Haul. The ocean. The smell of pot. The dog racing down the hall. The coffee shop. The Pike. Those apartments. The Slush puppies.
All those images.
And all I can do is cry. Wrap my arms around myself and cry. I want my life back. I want what I thought I’d have. And I never will.
Ever.
And, hey, I’m surprised. Writing this post took less time than I’d thought, and I do have time to post a picture. A picture of seals taking refuge on a buoy. Out by the Pike. Back where my life with J started.
Seals Taking Refuge
